I can’t lie but something is definitely wrong with me.
It doesn’t have anything to do with the previous post but something is affecting me and I don’t know what it is. Damn.
I don’t know why but my brain seems to function properly at night more than day time. You can see that I post up long post normally early in the morning. I’m still awake when I know I should sleep. I finished eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in two days time. A new record for me who is not a big fan of ice cream nor a big fan of chocolate. Besides that I’ve been eating Mentos non stop when it is actually meant for college. Well I can’t do anything when it is right in front of me and I really need to chew on something can I?
Assignments are definitely pilling up. I have one individual assignment to submit by this Tuesday. Good part about it is that I’m almost done! I’ve been doing it every day so I can generate more ideas. The bad part however is that I have to write about what I think of me. Judging myself is something weird to do. Don’t worry though, characteristics like being lazy, procrastinating, stubborn and other negative traits are all added! I’m procrastinating lesser now 
College so far has been good. I couldn’t complain much actually. Minus the environment situation, I’m actually gaining something in college. I mean before this when I was in SEGi, it feels like I don’t learn much. In Philosophy before this, I swear it took sometime for me to know that I actually learned something. It’s a good progress, really. I’ve made quite a number of friends already from different course! It’s funny though how my world is getting smaller each time. All in all, it’s fun 
I’m quite ready for next week. Laundry washed, notes printed and assignments almost done. I have yet to revise and clean my room. That’s bugging me. Can’t believe that fasting month is around the corner. It’s too near and I’m not ready at all. I told mum that I need to eat certain food before the fasting month and she said I was acting as though it is the end of the world. Really, I need to eat before I start craving for them.
I’m still very disappointed in you. I don’t know why. It’s a little favor that I asked and you decided to just ignore. I stood by you for almost 4 years through your ups and downs. I had to deal with other people because of you and people hated me because of you. Yet since then, they all still love and care for you. You know why? Cos all that time, they wanted your attention but sadly I got most of your attention because I was your friend. Now that I’m not close to you, they got what they want and you being someone I don’t know is living happily in that situation. Just so you know, no one really cares about the real you and I miss the old you.
I went through my old Myspace comments yesterday and to be honest, I was quite sad. How close I was with certain people made me realize how things could change and how we could drift apart from someone so easily. I was close with my cousins but I don’t know what happened that now, we rarely talk or see each other. I know that I don’t exist in their world and that is fine by me in a way. I miss how close I was with Faw & Syazman. I dearly miss Christian Capes and also Frad. You don’t know Christian, go google him. I’m sure you’ll find him on Wikipedia or something.
Reality starts to kick in again tomorrow!
I’m trying to keep myself as isolated as possible. I’m not turning into an anti-social or a loner but I just feel the need of having my own space.
Half of the year is gone and I’ve learned so many new things. I would be a liar if I say I have nothing to regret about. That doesn’t mean that I ponder about what I’ve done wrong or how it should have been. I’m just still pondering if it was all even worth but at the end, I couldn’t careless. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and I also believe that I’ll get over being regretful soon enough.
I realize that I’ve changed into someone who is more organized, concern and less heartless. I used to be so heartless about everything and anything. I’m less heartless now as I realize that sometimes we do have to take few things seriously and caring for people’s feeling about matters that concerns them. However, I’m still not taking life seriously because if I do, I would be like one of those people who cares about every single thing in life and then turn into someone who is a perfectionist.
I do care about people’s feeling even if I don’t show it but I really can’t take people’s crap anymore. I say sorry no matter if I’m wrong or right and I’m normally calm about mostly everything. I like to believe that I am really a patient person but then again, no one can be patient forever. Sometimes people can push someone else’s limit too much.
My days have been productive lately. If you don’t know, my phone has been quiet for almost 4 days or so. Minus the fact that my phone is barred, people just don’t give a damn about me. Where did all my friends? I have no idea and it doesn’t bother me honestly. I’m full with classes from Monday to Thursday and on Fridays I normally rest. On the weekends, I finish up whatever work I have or watch a movie. This cycle repeats itself every week.
I don’t sign in to MSN anymore and even if I do, I don’t chat with anyone. I now learn that if people are your friends or if they know you are a friend, they will find you and make and effort to see or call you. I currently am content with whoever that is in my life. Ain will always be around for me and my entourage I see almost everyday in College. We try our best to meet each other during break just to catch up on each other’s life and whatsoever. Fitri is always around too. I’m grateful. I think I’ve done enough trying to be nice to everyone around me. I’ve done my part.
Of course I’m not always in the best of mood but I guess I’m quite good at covering it up. I fall too at times but I guess that is life. It can’t always be happy nor can it always be sad. I’m still adapting to changes. I realize that quarter of me is long gone. I’m trying to get over it but sometimes it keeps coming back. I like how it used to be.
I have the tendency of deleting people off my Facebook, MSN or Myspace lately. Why? Sometimes when people create drama that you don’t need, you know that you just don’t need them. Sometimes you just don’t need someone in your life anymore. It’s like they have done their part and it’s time for them to go especially when they create trouble. I believe that if they are meant to be in my life, they would somehow come around again in future. That goes for both who realize their mistake or just fate. Then again, I’m only human. I don’t have the heart to delete anyone. If I did, half of my list would be gone or better yet, deleting my accounts.
I’m going to recharge my brain now
It’s almost 3am and I should be asleep by now but I just can’t.
To you,
I always wanted to clear things up with you. We are ok now but I know you’ll never let go of whatever that has happened before. I want you to know that I’ve change just like you. When I hear you sing, I know that is the old you. Who you are on the outside is not someone who I used to know. Either ways, I accept you because deep down, you are always the person that I used to know. I want to listen to your stories and jokes again. I want you to listen to my never ending pathetic stories and laugh about it. I like how we used to be like. I like how unsure you were with things. I like how straight forward you were. I don’t know why but things changed. Maybe you have finally decided what you want in life and I’m not part of it anymore. We fight more often than we could talk calmly. I know you miss the old you, I know you do. Sometimes I wish things are different. I miss having you around like how it used to or at least being that close. However, I’m happy that we are ok. Whatever it is, I need you to know that you are a big part of me. You are not always there but I know one day you will. I’m always holding on to my memories.
To you,
You have taught me a lot. Made me experience things that I’ve never experienced before and for that, I thank you. Now and then when I hear your voice, I can’t imagine how you look like anymore. I imagine someone else talking, walking and having the same gesture as you do. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t need you anymore in life. There is a reason why you came around and why you left and I think I got the answer now. I’m happy with whoever you want to be and happy that you build up your own character. I’m happy that I was part of your life and hopefully when I was around, you were happy. I may not be the best one but I hope I made you happy. You are wiser each day and maybe one day you’ll look back and smile because of me. Knowing that once I was part of your life in total.
To you,
Sometimes talking to you makes me wonder what do you want but I really am not looking for the truth. You make me wonder. You taught me so many things. When we talk about the future, I would never imagined myself in the same picture as you do. I wonder sometimes if you mean it or just playing. When we talk, I wonder if you really mean every word you say. I don’t even know if you’re talking to me because I’m your last option. We are not like how we used to. I used to look forward to our every night late talks but then slowly we were drifted apart. Why? Because I wasn’t needed that much anymore or maybe because you had other options. You came around though but it’s just not like the old times. I don’t miss the old time because then, I was stuck in a situation and you, you can’t decide on what you want but I can and I already made the choice. My choice is clear and till now, I’m sure I made the right choice. You talk to me when you feel like it and when you don’t you leave. I don’t even know why I talk about things which I’m supposed to talk in the years coming. Who you truly are inside still remains as a mystery to me.
Few minutes ago, I woke up smiling
My dream was too good to be true. I’m glad I dreamt it. I’m holding on to that dream. Hopefully, one day it will come true and I’ll be smiling all over again.
“A.S.A.S, I’m smiling. One day that dream is going to be a reality and when it do, I’m going to tell you it’s like dejavu. I’ll still believe.”
“You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who’re you with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and who can protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who can make you happy, really happy, dancing-on-air happy. Someone who should have taken the chance to be with you years ago instead of becoming scared and being too afraid to try.” – Where rainbows end.
Don’t even bother asking me why am I reading a fiction book when all my life the only book series I’ve read from cover to cover was Twilight series. I’ve always been a fan of non-fiction book because I really don’t believe in happy endings. See the italic typing above? Well you can’t find someone who is like that can you? As I said again, I hate reading fiction books because they make you believe things which RARELY happen in real life. Of course, it makes you feel all lovey dovey when you read it but when you flash back to reality, it just suck.
I’m hungry and sleepy yet the book is very addictive. I feel like eating McD. Fitri, is your craving for McD recently is attacking me now?
“So let me tell you now that in life you got to choose which path to take and seeing how lost you are now, youre not going anywhere if you don’t buckle up and pick up the pieces. Choose which path you want to take and stick to it. Accept the consequences and for once knowing that it was your own mistake rather than others. You will make it alive either ways because I know you’re strong enough to handle it on your own. You know its not worth it so just let it go before it is too late. There are things in your life which will bring you benefit and some will give you the otherwise. Be smart enough Natasha. I trust you with your decisions and when I said before this never to give your everything to someone, I mean it still. Life is not fair, you know that.” – A wise friend of mine told me.
Somewhere in June at Rasta.
Azrina : Rasa macam pisang goreng!
Natasha : Well kalau nak tahulah kan, you are eating pisang goreng cuma tambah maple syrup la kan. Selama ni pisang goreng rupa and rasa almost sama je.
Azrina : Shuttup la!
Lesson : Before you say or eat something, silalah tengok dulu.
Somewhere in Ocotober during SPM. Few minutes before exam.
Natasha : What is coming out for Commerce weh? I’m lost gila.
Soo Fong : Huh? Commerce? Today where got Commerce exam?
Natasha : Today Commerce laaa!
Soo Fong : *Shows timetable*
Natasha : Mother! Bloody hell I’ve been studying Commerce the whole night and I suck teruk gila in Economy. Bugger! I nak tiru siapa weh?
Lesson : Look at the timetable properly rather than failing blindly although you hate the subject.
Back in early 2008. MSN conversation.
Natasha : Eh what is it eh? Udang terbalik batu eh? Batu disebalik udang? or is it Batu dibalik udang?
Syarif : None of it la. It’s Udang disebalik batu.
Lesson : Jangan buat ajaran sesat kat diri sendiri.
Ain : Nat why are grinning out of random?
Natasha : Saja. Dah macam takde kerja je. Buang tabiat tahu?
Ain : No. Mesti you’re thinking of some crazy plan right?
Natasha : You know me too well =D
Lesson : When I’m bored, I’ll have all sorts of crazy idea.
2009 MSN convo.
Natasha : Oh wait he asked a dumber question.
Azrina : What?
Natasha : Dah tanya how are you semua boleh tanya if I’m still awake? Ni yang jasad I reply ni.
Azrina : AHAHAHHAAHAH LMAO!
Lesson : Don’t ask me stupid question in the middle of the night on MSN.
After a prank on MSN.
Amin : Damn you! Mampus la you one day! I terajang you!
Natasha : HAHAHAHAHAAH
Amin : Hahahahah babi betul!
Natasha : Ya Allah Amin, you made my day la today!
Amin : Damn it. Shit la. Hahaha!
Lesson : A prank can really make me laugh
2009 MSN convo.
Natasha : I smell sarcasms. Haha.
Azrina : Haha takde ah ikhlas dari hati ni!
Natasha : Kepala you la ikhlas dari hati. Tak dekat dengan hati pun kot!
Azrina : Hahaha mana you tahu tak dekat?
Natasha : Tergelak every last sentence kot. Memang sangat ikhlas! Alhamdulillah ikhlas nya you! Pfft.
Azrina : Hahaha babi sarcastic dow!
Natasha : Tak la tu ikhlas dari hati. Hati, urat semua termasuk.
Azrina : Hahahahah!
Lesson : I can be VERY sarcastic at times.
I had more random convos but I just can’t think of any currently.
I really don’t know what’s playing in my iTunes playlist. It’s almost 4am and I’m still awake. God damn, something must be wrong with me. Or maybe not? Heh.
I’ve been thinking too much lately. 2 days ago, I made a decision which changed my whole life. I’m happy for a fact that I put it all behind and finally have the guts to let go and just leave. However, I’m utterly disappointed that I left when things just got better. I really have no idea how to react anymore. I mean yes I made the decision but I really shouldn’t have any doubts anymore right? RIGHT! I’m not over the idea that I did actually left but I’m trying to get over it. Well it wouldn’t be so tough after few days I suppose?
My brain is really tired. It needs rest but here I am forcing myself and brain to complete this post. I really need to stress here that my iTunes is playing sucky songs which I don’t remember downloading at all. Note to self : Don’t download songs for people anymore, you’ll have collections of unknown songs in your list.
Oh yes, why the new blog? I like changes. I like new clean stuff. I like new things. I like untouched things. I like exploring new things. I like starting fresh. I just like it. That pretty much explains it doesn’t it? Besides that, why not start over when June was hell towards me. I left everything behind me so I can just write a new chapter in my life and make the best out of it. Everything is new now so I really think a new blog is necessary.
The latest post from my old blog, well I don’t feel anything anymore. Not that I feel numb, I just don’t feel hurt anymore. I guess I’m getting over it faster than I expected. I’m heartless once again. Always been and always will. I guess I won’t give in that easily anymore in future and I should really have listened to my instinct. It’s over anyway so let’s just let it go.
I guess the reason why I felt certain feelings for the past one month was because I’m growing up. I rarely get those kinda feelings and I guess it was an experience for me. It taught me so much and it made me realize every single day that I’m growing. I still do remember Nabil telling me earlier this year “Wow, you’re 18 this year. That’s fast. You are growing up that fast huh?”. Well I guess I am. I’m still living it like a kid though at times.
This post is getting crappier by second. I’m going to stop typing and get some good sleep for more than 8 hours I’m expecting myself to wake up around noon tomorrow by myself or either by humans who would be calling my phones.
